Darkness Visible by William Styron
I just finished reading the book I bought more than a year ago. I started writing about it, then stopped -for some reason that I can't remember now.
The book is about the author's struggle with depression. When I first started reading it, I was a bit skeptical. I wasn't hoping to connect or understand what he was saying. I didn't think I would, but I did.
Maybe I've had the depression longer than I thought, I really wouldn't know. I've never been clinically diagnosed, until I finally realized something was wrong with me. Early 2003, I had days when I really did not want to get up. I would make up excuses so I could stay in bed all day. I didn't want to go out. My migraine got worse partly because of that, which then made the whole ordeal more unbearable. Then one night while I was watching Sandra Bullock's Yaya Sisterhood (or something), I began crying nonstop. It's supposed to be a comedy but something that was said in that movie made me cry and I couldn't stop. Then I started to try cutting myself. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I felt the blade. Silly cuz I realized I have this aversion to it. I stopped then I thought if I really want to kill myself I'd use pills.
After a few days, I had an appointment with a neurologist for my migraine. He seemed confused with the severity of it, he asked me if I was depressed. I said maybe. With that he gave me an anti-depressant. I couldn't remember the name of the drug because I stopped taking it after two days. I got worse. My lows got really really low to the point where I was thinking of different ways of how to kill myself. So I stopped taking it and started writing. It kinda helped so I continued doing it.
I still have days where for some reason I just feel really really down. When I read about that part in the book, it was kind of an eye-opener. Like, there really are days like that and it's not because of something I did or doing. When he said " the pain of severe depression is unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne", I was nodding my head. I've been trying to say that for so long and people would just say that I'm being overly dramatic, that whatever I was feeling I can just make it go away by not thinking about it.
It doesn't work that way. I don't want to feel depressed or sad. I want that feeling to go away because you cannot imagine how hard it is. It's better to feel physical pain than suffer from that. Which is, I think, how my body sometimes handles it. I'd be sick for no apparent reason. Bleeding, severe migraine, abdominal pain ~ all of which the doctors here could not find a reason for. There are physical signs yet all other diagnoses doesn't fit.
All in all, It was an interesting read. It was good to know about someone else's experience. I just hope it gave me an insight on how to deal with mine when the time comes...
Friday, February 26, 2010
Direct to the point, right from the beginning. There's always gonna be people who like to tell everybody else how to live and do their lives. This reminded me of someone who commented of how helping the poor is not really helping and that they should be left to find resources for themselves otherwise they will always wait for help and not fend for themselves. My reaction was quick and only this- If you've never been poor, never been hungry, never been desperate enough to sell even your soul for there is no other way, then you cannot and should not be allowed to say something about it.