Friday, February 26, 2010

Darkness Visible

Darkness Visible by William Styron

I just finished reading the book I bought more than a year ago. I started writing about it, then stopped -for some reason that I can't remember now.

The book is about the author's struggle with depression. When I first started reading it, I was a bit skeptical. I wasn't hoping to connect or understand what he was saying. I didn't think I would, but I did.

Maybe I've had the depression longer than I thought, I really wouldn't know. I've never been clinically diagnosed, until I finally realized something was wrong with me. Early 2003, I had days when I really did not want to get up. I would make up excuses so I could stay in bed all day. I didn't want to go out. My migraine got worse partly because of that, which then made the whole ordeal more unbearable. Then one night while I was watching Sandra Bullock's Yaya Sisterhood (or something), I began crying nonstop. It's supposed to be a comedy but something that was said in that movie made me cry and I couldn't stop. Then I started to try cutting myself. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I felt the blade. Silly cuz I realized I have this aversion to it. I stopped then I thought if I really want to kill myself I'd use pills.

After a few days, I had an appointment with a neurologist for my migraine. He seemed confused with the severity of it, he asked me if I was depressed. I said maybe. With that he gave me an anti-depressant. I couldn't remember the name of the drug because I stopped taking it after two days. I got worse. My lows got really really low to the point where I was thinking of different ways of how to kill myself. So I stopped taking it and started writing. It kinda helped so I continued doing it.

I still have days where for some reason I just feel really really down. When I read about that part in the book, it was kind of an eye-opener. Like, there really are days like that and it's not because of something I did or doing. When he said " the pain of severe depression is unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne", I was nodding my head. I've been trying to say that for so long and people would just say that I'm being overly dramatic, that whatever I was feeling I can just make it go away by not thinking about it.

It doesn't work that way. I don't want to feel depressed or sad. I want that feeling to go away because you cannot imagine how hard it is. It's better to feel physical pain than suffer from that. Which is, I think, how my body sometimes handles it. I'd be sick for no apparent reason. Bleeding, severe migraine, abdominal pain ~ all of which the doctors here could not find a reason for. There are physical signs yet all other diagnoses doesn't fit.

All in all, It was an interesting read. It was good to know about someone else's experience. I just hope it gave me an insight on how to deal with mine when the time comes...

1 comment:

pabula_rasa said...

i suppose,i probably have some sort of mood swings are all over the place.


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